The Gauge Goblin... by Molly Stevenson
Ahem. Excuse me? Knitters? And yes, you crocheters too. May I have your attention please? Ahem. Knitters – excuse me? Knitters - please, yes - you in the back with the red yarn– just a moment of your time, if you will…Ah... Thank you.
I’m very sorry to interrupt your projects, but there is a matter which we simply must discuss. Dear friends…it is time. We just cannot, in all good conscience, put this off any longer. It won’t be pleasant, but we’re going to stick together and… I really think that we will all feel better if we talk about this now – out loud – in broad daylight – like adults.
I think you know what I’m talking about, don’t you?
Yes, my friends, it is time. We must speak of IT.
How long have we turned a blind eye? How many projects have we carefully tucked away never to be seen or heard from again? How much longer will we allow IT to run our lives? How long have we remained silent – venting only to a comfortable and safe circle of friends? Never daring to speak of the creature too loudly – lest he hear and we gain his ire.
But, I say - No longer! For today – today - we give this foul creature his rightful name. Today, we stop pretending that he is our friend and give him the title he deserves. Today… we confront the vilest of all the knitting creatures. Yes, we are going to talk about… The Gauge Goblin. It’s okay, go ahead and sit down. Shaking knees are common when speaking of IT.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It’s so much easier to pretend that he does not exist, isn’t it? It’s so easy to knit our little gauges with smug superiority and knit on with blind confidence in the outcome. But, let’s be honest. Is it confidence in our gauge or a healthy dose of denial that makes us keep knitting when our head tells us the sweater won’t fit but the Gauge Goblin whispers that everything will be fine? After all, if the gauge is correct, the sweater will fit. Won’t it? Won’t it?
Uh-oh. What was that noise? Did you hear it? The rustling? Oh dear. The Gauge Goblin is sneaking closer. Quick! Repeat after me, “Oh my, look at the time. I need to cast on for my sweater. Wow! 380 stitches of fingering weight mohair. It’s a good thing MY GAUGE is correct. I’d hate to DO THAT ONE AGAIN!” Yep, that did it. Whew. That was a close one my friends, but do not worry – we have lulled him back to sleep.
So, what shall we do? Our main problem is that we are not united. There may, even now, be some of you who think that The Gauge Goblin is your friend. Aren’t you cute. There may even be some of you who believe that if you were just a wee bit more faithful as a gauger... The Gauge Goblin would be appeased and your sweaters would fit so perfectly that strangers in the street will weep with joy at their beauty and precise workmanship. Yeah. Cute. Very cute. But seriously – stop taking the problems of the world so personally. Not everything is your fault, you know. And… you are most definitely not responsible for the behavior of The Gauge Goblin.
There may even be some of you who are still in the happy land of denial. You think the Gauge Goblin does not exist. You whip up your little gauges with complacent superiority and knit with blissful assurance. And, when the sweater you are knitting for your husband fits your little grandson, you shrug your shoulders and laugh. Surely, the pattern was wrong. Surely, you are not perfect. Surely, the yarn was not quite the size you thought it to be. Surely, it could not be an issue of gauge. Wrong, my friend, wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The Gauge Goblin simply did not want your project to succeed. He has a rather strange sense of humor, and I’m afraid he is not the kindest of creatures. Perhaps the other little goblins used to make fun of him… but nevertheless… he is not your friend.
So I say...Enough, knitters (and crocheters), enough! Today we say NO MORE! The Gauge Goblin has devoured his last sweater. He has terrorized his last sweet little baby hat! We will stand for it no longer. Today…oh dear. Huh. I really shouldn’t be knitting and talking at the same time. Hold on one second… I have to…Hmmmm… Strange. I never noticed that this sock was quite this big. Oh. Dear. Oh. OH. Yes…ahem…my goodness. Look at the time. I must be going now. All this silly talk about a Gauge Goblin was quite ridiculous, don’t you think? Personally, I love gauge. I live to gauge. I apologize for taking so much of your time. Goodbye.